The saucy, shocking and humorous secrets of London’s stations

The last couple of days have seen a number of railway anniversaries surrounding London stations. Rather than go over the same old facts that we all know, I think it’s better to look at the ‘secrets’ that few know about and which appear in my book ‘A Funny Thing Happened on the Train to London’ – which is now down to limited stock levels.

On 19 May, it was 40 years since the death of poet John Betjeman, a great friend of the railway and someone who helped save St Pancras station from demolition. He also has a blue plaque at London Marylebone. While all that is well known, what is much less known is that both stations have a ‘secret’ history. Three facts about each station are listed below – each is vastly expanded on in the book. Most of these have not been in the public domain before.

132 years ago on 20 May, the final broad gauge train departed Paddington station. Isambard Kingdom Brunel told MPs that “I am not one to sneer at education, but I would not give 6d in hiring an engineman because of his knowing how to read and write. believe that of the two , the non-reading man is best. f you are going five or six miles without anything to attract your attention, depend upon it you will begin thinking about something else. It is impossible, that a man who indulges in reading should make a good engine driver; it requires a species of machine, an intelligent man, a sober man, a steady man, but I would much rather not have a thinking man.”

St Pancras

St Pancras remains unfinished, after the Midland Railway refused to fund the more decorative parts of designer George Gilbert Scott’s plans. For example there are 15 niches for statues none of them have any.

On 2020, passengers onboard the 04.42 Leicester to St Pancras were served chlorine, instead of coffee, requiring them to seek medical attention upon arrival in the capital.

Passengers waiting at Elstree & Borehamwood were covered in blood, when a passenger leapt in front of a HST that had departed from St Pancras minutes before. Staff involved described it as the lady “exploding in a huge pink ball of blood and flesh”.

Paddington

Old Oak Common carriage sidings had a telephone, that was supposedly for internal calls only – such as telephoning the signal box. British Rail managers became very perplexed when it constantly generated high call costs. Eventually an investigation was launched and it was discovered that it had been ‘modified’ so staff could make international calls. The sidings had a very diverse workforce, with staff from all over the world, so one can imagine the calls that were made!

Some Paddington guards were rather lax at checking tickets – preferring to sit in their van and read the newspaper. On one occasion, following an investigation by inspectors, a guard had to explain why he hadn’t bothered to check tickets for a whole journey. Rather than admit the truth, he came up with a rather ‘unusual’ explanation. He told management that he was suffering from an upset stomach and that he went to fart and shit himself instead. He went onto explain that there was no way he could leave the van when he stank of shit.

A cleaner onboard 166210, finding the train in darkness, decided – against all the rules – to start it up so that the lights would work. Shortly afterwards, as the cleaner was vacuuming the carpets, the train began to roll and it hit HST power car 43194.

Marylebone

In the early 20th century the station was once recommended by a vicar to a member of his congregation as a place for quiet meditation – the station being described as the only London terminus where one could hear bird song. Quite what the clergy would have made of ‘Carry on Girls’, which featured scenes shot at Marylebone station, one can only imagine!

In 2021 Network Rail staff, without the appropriate engineering knowledge, were working on the power supply for the signalling and caused a power cut in Marylebone signalling centre. This caused all signals between London and just south of Banbury to revert to red, which in turn resulted in 68 trains being cancelled, 126 trains being delayed and a total of 3,249 delay minutes. It took five hours for normal signalling to be restored, the members of staff being ‘for cause screened’.

A foot crossing on the Chiltern route was nicknamed after the main user, a lady who was rather (ahem) ‘well endowed’! The name even appeared on official notices and the question “What is the real name of Big T*ts crossing?” was even a question for new drivers using the route, as hardly anyone called it by its proper name!

The first two books in the ‘A Funny Thing Happened on the Train’ trilogy. Both now down to limited stock levels. The horror, humour and history of rail travel – most of it never in the public domain before now.

A Funny Thing Happened on the Train to London: https://www.chimewhistle.co.uk/shop/p/a-funny-thing-happened-on-the-train-to-london

A Funny Thing Happened on the Train to the Midlands: https://www.chimewhistle.co.uk/shop/p/afunnythinghappenedonthetraintothemidlands